Oopsiwoopsi...

This didn't go so well=/ I'm a totally coward, drop-out.

But I'm trying to se this as a comfort.

I'm just so tired of life. And feel so stupid and wrong nowadays. It shouldn't be like that, right...?

I shouldn't have a hard time smiling. which I've been having the last two month. It's exhausting you know.

One part says to me;

- Oh, you're suppose to be stubborn, always finishing what you started.

While the other part's like:

- Oh no, I remember. You always give up. Lazy. Weak.
Never giving it a chance long enough to see that it gets easier.

Cause that's what everyone is saying, it gets easier...When? How? Where? I must be doing something wrong, cause I'm just digging my hole deeper and deeper. I guess I don't know which part I'm suppose to listen to. Or which part, that's really me, the stubborn one or the one that quits. Are you ever this confused? Or are you all just young at heart and do take the time to enjoy and celebrate? That's what I wanna do. This course just makes me so evil to myself. It's exhausting. Never being good enough. Always feeling like a bad, bad person. I just don't know. Somewhere it feels like failure to end it, and somewhere else like a relief.

I just want to be, get to know myself, smile, read books, colour my hair,

travel, cook, eat, sleep, take photos, write, play with photoshop.

Get away from the feeling of being exhausted out of nothing.

Is it just me? Do I need help? I don't know anymore.

Somehow it feels like the decision is already made, and that it should be easy.
And that I should feel better already.