I remember that 2009 would be the year I'd get through, manage things and depend less on others. A year of lots of work, friends and some travelling. When 2010 arrived, I was a tiny bit surprised/disappointed that I still was here. But luckily quite happy.

January - April:
Started uni, went to Paris, met more friends, had a very blue and swollen foot, searched for a new home like a maniac, alcohol n' coffee was two of my best friends, shared with other (real) friends. All I prioritized was feeling easy when the day turned to night. Otherwise I jumped into a pool from 10 meters. Found the sweetest apartment, near the sun.

May - August:
I stopped being someone elses substitute for love and vice versa, moved to the adorable apartment and loved it,  worked like crazy, partying like crazy and lots of walks with my beloved Ipod. Yes, been walking hours n' hours every week. Confused, losing the secret more and more, Really enjoying the beautiful weather n' let the sun melt me without caring. Celebrated my birthday, craved for ps again, got death anxiety that didn't leave, Started uni again.

September - December:
Held hard on to the summer, Loved all that social psycology was about but got a bit more (is it possible?) anxiety (decision and performance). Found my life a bit dull. Worked less and less. Went to Leicester and had a faboulous time. Loved being in a airplane aswell. Dreamed a lot of weird dreams about water. Hated the fall/winter. Got bored of going out, did it anyway. Felt a long-term futility. Worked all xmas and new year. Had a feeling of worrying, the whole period, going on about the future. Had some indifferent feeling of hope. Like, well someway, it will be okey.

Conclusion:
So a summary of this is, eh, what?
That the year started good but somewhere on the way I lost the positivity. Felt guilty about it, cause I know about the law of attraction. Trusted less and less. But then again, I did prove myself being excellent on living by myself, cooking and cleaning good (yes, I know, my inner "gender science-knowledge" is shaking its head). I'm becoming more and more clever, can read several heavy books in a week and it's quite fun!

Maybe I just grew up too fast this year and started to take myself too seriously?  I'm still thankful that 2010 was what it was. But I believe that one year was just enough what I could manage of it ;) But it wasn't all that bad, I grew a lot, got a lot of useful tools to create my life. 2009 was a year of 'selfbuilding' and 2010 was a year of knowledge.

I hoping I'll manage to take life more easily in 2011. Have more fun (yes, without my bästis alcohol =P). Dare to create dreams, goals and try new things. All my fears. Not have too many(high) expectations on myself. Treat myself better, tell my friends I appreciate and have more breakfasts, dinners and movie nights with them. Puss på Emelie, Anna-Sarah, Elin, Sofia, Johanna och Diana. Travel somewhere. Visit Spain.

Otherwise I'm so nervous about studying spanish again. I really, really hope my friends are right and that my earlier experiences will float up to the surface. I mean if I'm kinda good in swedish and english. Why couldn't I be it in spanish?





I'm looking forward reading The Power asap.
And I think this New years' eve will be sweet.
So finally this post got to its little ending aswell as this year
so I wish you all a very:

GOTT NYTT ÅR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
FELIZ AÑO NUEVO!

So this is Christmas, eh =) Our Christmas eve was calm. No drama. Yes, I know I'm still surprised. Nobody screaming, nobody crying (Oh, My sister did get upset when she spilled Baileys on the gifts. And I laughed like a evil Grinch for minutes). But I didn't get too irritated on the tendences of repeat when alcohol enter a home (Wanna join the winter walk tmrw? no, I'm workin'. Wanna join the winter walk tmrw? No, still workin'. Wanna join the winter walk tmrw? Yes, if I wasn't working...)

And all the food! Love it =D I just ate, ate and ate. So today I'm hot as a meatball =D Oh well, Gonna clean a tiny bit, and work, work n' work to top it of with celebrating a tiny, cute n' happy little girl of mine ;) It's Bday party on Christmas Day. Did someone say; Yey! (yupp, Still messed up of all the rhymes ;D)

By the way - This is so cute!

““Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.”” - Gertrude Stein



Click for source.

Jag vet att man skall orka och jag vet att man skall le,
Men ibland vill man bara blunda och inget mera se.

Då tankarna bara går på djupare och djupare vatten.
Och ingen lyssnar när man hoppas om natten.

Herre över sitt sinne, det är vi alla,
Inte alltid man har kraft att palla.

Istället ökar skulden på själen man äger,
Man letar fel och hittar det på siffran man väger.

Imorgon bör du orka och ta nya tag,
Annars blir manodepressiv ditt nya jag.

Ingen vill höra dig klaga,
Livet är bara till för att behaga.

Inga mål du besitter,
Inte ska du vara bitter.

Ut och hitta ditt riktiga Du.
Ingen tid att slösa, leta nu.

Om du inte hinner,
Du ingenting vinner.

Bara dig själv att skylla på,
Om du stjärnan ej kan nå.




- J

I'm making things up.
I'm feeling ugly.
I'm feeling stupid.
I'm feeling crazy.
I'm feeling dirty.
Feeling useless.
Feeling weak.
Feeling poor.
Feeling old.
Ordinary.
Immature.
Scared.
Passive.
Worthless.

But honestly I'm just really, really tired.
That's why my mind stop function. So it's time to reload my batteries, I wouldn't like to start crying, believing that I'm hated by everyone and all by myself. And then just realize that it's my drama queen gene that is acting as a mythomaniac. No, it wouldn't just be the whole truth.

New day, new thoughts.

Jävla fittfan, helvetes skithuvud.

I know I'm supposed to be all positive n' all but I lack of inspiration in that area. I'm really bad at expressing my negative feelings like anger, sadness and anxiety in an external way. It's a really annoying habit of mine. So instead of dealing with the emotions, maybe give them a chance to go away, I try to handle them alone. By sleeping too much, eating too much and writing too much. Right now I'm in a hating mood and looking forward to the day it will past. Hopefully today, probably tomorrow. I'm feeling like the fuckin' Grinch nowadays. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I'll get some hope, courage or appreciation soon. I'm in need of it. Especially some kind of safety net. Mine is currently getting slighty eroded. Oh by the loving way, Happy bloody third sunday of Advent!

I'm not being sarcastic. (Just don't make me swear on it).







Ps. The sun is shining today though.
It's almost good. Maybe I should cancel my ban of ginger bread
and just get a bit fat and celebrate the sun atleast..?

If a person's mean in his/her absence but nice in his/her presence,
Would you consider the person being good or bad, then?

Me adore the first dress and the earring on pic number two.
And the bike in the background. How awesome?